Nugae Antiquae
April 4th, 1594.
It was bruited<29> at court that David Areskine, a Scottish man, had basely reviled the Queen's Majesty, by saying "she was cozened by the devil, and sold her faith for hypocrisy, in the matter of the Queen of Scotland's death"It doth not behove us ordinary men to touch on extraordinary affairs. "God directeth princely councils," saith Sir William W;<30> and yet, God wot, Sir William is a shallow wight. Heaven defend mortal man from hypocrisy!
I came home to Kelstone, and found my Mall, my children, and my cattle, all well fed, well taught, and well beloved. ''tis not so at court; ill breeding with ill feeding, and no love but that of the lusty god of gallantry, Asmodeus. I am to send good store of news from the country, for her Highness' entertainment. I shall not leave behind my neighbour Cotton's horn, for a plentiful horn it isHer Highness loveth merry talesMy house at Bath I have promised to young Shelton, who may do me kindness with his Lord; and as for his Lady, I will do my kindness as I shall liken myself.Must not talk more about Spanish grandeur, and well-shapen mustachios.
Sunday, June 14. The Queen's Majesty tasted my wife's comfits, and did much praise her cunning in the making.Send no more: for other ladies' jealousy worketh against my Mall's comfits, and this will not comfort her. I will write a damnable story, and put it in goodly verse, about Lord A;<31> he hath done me some ill turns.God keep us from lying and slander work.
The Queen stood up, and bade me reach forth my arm to rest her thereon. Oh, what sweet burden to my next song!Petrarch shall eke out good matter for this business.
The sweet lady's suit to her Majesty I will forward.would God I never had so many suits of mine own to forward with ladies as I have heretofore.Militavi non sine gloria.<32> The Queen loveth to see me in my last frieze jerkin, and saith ''tis well enough cut. I will have another made like to it. I do remember she spit on Sir Matthew's<33> fringed cloth, and said, the fool's wit was gone to rags.Heaven spare me from such jibing.
I talked much to the Treasurer on sundry matters lately, which hath been reported.
Who liveth in courts, must mark what they say,
Who liveth for ease, had better live away.
In August I was much troubled at sundry grievances from divers men in high states; but envy doth haunt many, and breed jealousy. I will bid adieu to good company, and leave suing and seeking at court; for if I have no more friends nor better at Heaven's court than at this, I shall begin to think somewhat of brief damnation.
I have spent my time, my fortune, and almost my honesty, to buy false hope, false friends, and shallow praise;and be it rememberd, that he who casteth up this reckoning of a courtly minion, will set his sum like a fool at the end, for not being a knave at the beginning. Oh, that I coud boast with chanter David, In te speravi, Domine.<34>
I must turn my poor wits towards my suit for my lands in the north. Sir Ralph H <35> biddeth me move the Queen's Majesty in my behalf, and that stoutly; she loveth plain dealings, and I will not lie unto her. The Earl doth tell me one way, but I shall not abide thereby; I have seen those fail by such devices.I must go in, an early hour, before her Highness hath special matters brought up to council on.I must go before the breakfasting covers are placed, and stand uncovered as her Highness cometh forth her chamber;then kneel and say, "God save your Majesty, I crave your ear at what hour may suit for your servant to meet your blessed countenance" Thus will I gain her favour to follow to the auditory.
Trust not a friend to do or say
In that yourself can sue or pray.
Yesterday I was near drunken, and today am near sick, and perchance tomorrow may be both sick and sorry; my cousin did chide me, and said, "I bade my man light his taper at the moon." It may be so, Horace saith
Clum ipsum petimus stultitia<36>
I see some men who love gaming, some men who love wenching, some men who love wine, and some who love trenchering:<37>These oft find an empty purse, running reins,<38> an aching head, and grumbling guts. Now, what findeth he who loveth the "pride of life," the court's vanity, ambition's puffball? In sooth, no more than empty words, grinning scale, watching nights, and fawning days.
Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum.<39>
One Sunday (April last) my Lord of London<40> preached to the Queen's Majesty, and seemed to touch on the vanity of decking the body too finely.Her Majesty told the ladies, that "If the bishop held more discourse on such matters, she would fit him for heaven, but he should walk thither without a staff, and leave his mantle behind him:" perchance the bishop hath never sought her Highness' wardrobe, or he would have chosen another text.
I hear I am marked out for the next year's Sheriff for the County of Somerset.<41> I will not gibe at the judge, as my neighbour did, when he was appointed to that charge, and with more wit than good heed, told the judge, who complained of stony roads, and feared much the dangers of our western travelling; "In good sooth, Sir, it be but fair play, that you, who so oft make others fear for their necks, should in some sort begin to think of saving your own." Herewith Judge Minos was not well pleased, but said, "Good master Sheriff, leave alone my neck, and look to your own heels, for you may one day be laid by them." Nor did his anger here rest, for on very slight offence in court, he fined my witty neighbour five pounds: Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum.<39>. So shall I (when in such company) make no account of the county ways, but look well to my own.
I must not forget to call on the Treasurer: he that doth not love the man, will have little favour with the mistress, and I am in good liking with both, praised be God.My Lord of Essex is also my friend, and that not in bad sort. He bids me lay good hold on her Majesty's bounty, and ask freely. I will attend tomorrow, and leave this little poesy behind her cushion at my departing from her presence.
TO THE QUEEN'S MAJESTY.<42>
Forever dear, for ever dreaded Prince,
You read a verse of mine a little since,
And so pronounc'st each word, and every letter,
Your gracious reading grac'st my verse the better:
Sith<43> then your Highness doth, by gift exceeding,
Make what you read the better for your reading;
Let my poor muse your pains thus far importune,
Like as you read my verse, soread my Fortune.
From your Highness' saucy godson.
Note here, how much will a man even benefit his enemy, provided he doth put him out of his own way? My Lord of Essex did lately want Sir George Carew<44> to be Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, rather than his own uncle, Sir William Knollys,<45> because he had given him some cause of offence, and by thus thrusting him into high office, he would remove him from court.
October [1598]. I this day went to the new Lord High Treasurer, Lord Buckhirst; I was not ill received, nor, in sooth, so well as I had been used to in the day of Lord Burleigh. When shall our realm see such a man, or when such a mistress have such a servant; well might one weep when the other died.<46> This choice doth well assure us that in the wit of the servant dwelleth the master's fortune, and that all states have thriven better or worse, as the government was given to such as were honest as well as able. If a king hath not discernment to choose a few wise heads, how shall he subdue the many foolish hearts; or how shall the leaves and blossom flourish when the sap is corrupted at the root of the plant? I coud herewith cite many good authorities both Greek and Latin, to prove this mine opinion, but I do remember what Burleigh did once say, in my hearing, to Walsingham, who had been waiting to confer with him about many great matters, whereof I had borne some part, in bearing a message from the Queen to Hatton. When my Lord Treasurer did come in from prayers, Sir Francis Walsingham did in merry sort say, that "he wished himself so good a servant of God as Lord Burleigh, but that he had not been at church for a week past." Now my Lord Burleigh did gravely reply thus;"I hold it meet for us to ask God's grace to keep us sound of heart, who have so much in our power, and to direct us to the well-doing of all the people, whom it is easy for us to injure and ruin; and herein, my good friends, the special blessing seemeth meet to be discreetly asked and wisely worn." I did not a little marvel at this good discourse, to see how a good man considereth his weighty charge, and striveth to keep out Satan from corrupting the heart in discharge of his duties. How few have such hearts or such heads; and therefore shall I note this for those that read hereafter.
It is worthy noting, when we find how little sure happiness is allotted even to the mighty on earth. Philip [II.] of Spain reigned forty-two years in troubles and disquietudes,<47> lost his provinces, whilst he was striving to enlarge his possessions, and then in old age was eaten by lice when living: "God grant me no further ambition than to be eaten by worms when I am dead!" and this I said to the Queen.
The Queen seemed troubled today; Hatton came out from her presence with ill countenance, and pulled me aside by the girdle, and said, in secret way, "If you have any suit to day, I pray you put it aside, the sun doth not shine." ''tis this accursed Spanish business; so will not I adventure her Highness' choler, lest she should collar me also.
News from the ambassadors to France:Wilkes<48> died at Paris. God speed Cecil and Herbert, or we shall ill speed at home. It is a base matter in Henry of France, to make peace without his allies and friends: I coud wish her Highness could once round him in the ear about this matter; she seemeth in apt sort for such business, for she called him, in my hearing, "the Antichrist of ingratitude."
[1599.] The Irishry are much given to whoredom, as I saw at Munster, where the soldiers, without clothes on their backs or food in their bellies, were lying under hedges with marvelous ill favoured wenches, whom they would rather perish for, than fight for; and hereby were much injury to their cause, for nothing but stripes could bring them to their duty. They likewise are abusive in their discourse; and yet they do appear (in the upper sort) very kind and hospitable to all newcomers, as I did well experience in this country, even so much as (if my own lands were here) I would hazard my dwelling with them for life. I was often well entertained, and in some sort got ill will for speaking in praise of their civil usage among our own commanders, whom I often told that tho' I was sent out to fight with some, there did appear no reason for my not eating with others. I was well used, and therefore am in duty bound to speak well of the Irishry.
The Queen did once ask my wife in merry sort, "how she kept my good will and love, which I did always mantain to be truly good towards her and my children?" My Mall, in wise and discreet manner, told her Highness, "she had confidence in her husband's understanding and courage, well founded on her own steadfastness not to offend or thwart, but to cherish and obey; hereby did she persuade her husband of her own affection, and in so doing did command his." "Go to, go to, mistress," saith the Queen, "you are wisely bent I find; after such sort do I keep the good will of all my husbands, my good people; for if they did not rest assured of some special love toward them, they would not readily yield me such good obedience."This deserveth noting, as being both wise and pleasant.
What perils have I escaped! I was entrusted by Essex, whom I did adventure to visit, with a message to the Queen's Majesty, setting forth his contrition and sore grievance for his many offences. I was right glad to hear such contrition, and laboured to effect this matter; but ere I could bear these tidings, (which I was well advised to do,) the Earl's petition reached her hand, and I fear her displeasure too, but herein I bore no part I was much encouraged to go through this friendly part on many sides, but I said,"Charity did begin at home, and should always sail with a fair wind, or it was not likely to be a prosperous voyage." I had nearly been wrecked on the Essex coast in my last venture, as I told the Queen, had it not been for the sweet calm of her special forgiveness. I have heard much on both hands, but the wiser he who reporteth nothing hereof. Did either know what I know either have said, it would not work much to contentment or good liking.
It resteth with me in opinion, that ambition thwarted in its career, doth speedily lead on to madness; herein I am strengthened by what I learn in my lord of Essex, who shifteth from sorrow and repentance to rage and rebellion so suddenly, as well proveth him devoid of good reason or right mind. In my last discourse,<49> he uttered strange words bordering on such strange designs, that made me hasten forth and leave his presence. Thank heaven! I am safe at home, and if I go in such troubles again, I deserve the gallows for a meddling fool. His speeches of the Queen becometh no man who hath mens sana in corpore sano<50>. He hath ill advisers, and much evil hath sprung from this source. The Queen well knoweth how to humble the haughty spirit; the haughty spirit knoweth not how to yield, and the man's soul seemeth tossed to and fro, like the waves of a troubled sea.
[Kelston.] 1603. Here now will I rest my troubled mind, and tend my sheep like an Arcadian swain, that hath lost his fair mistress; for in sooth, I have lost the best and fairest love that ever shepherd knew, even my gracious Queen; and sith<43> my good mistress is gone, I shall not hastily put forth for a new master. I hear our new King hath hanged one man before he was tried; ''tis strangely done: now if the wind bloweth thus, why may not a man be tried before he hath offendedI will keep company with none but my oves and boves,<51> and go to Bath and drink sack, and wash away remembrances of past times in the streams of Lethe.
I hear much (by private means) of strange plots by Cobham, Grey, Raleigh, and others. I have no concerns of this sort, save that my man Ralph hath stolen two cheeses from my dairy-house;I wish he were choked herewith! and yet the fellow hath five children; I will not sue him if he repenteth and amendeth.
Many letters from the court at Wilton, persuade me to come thereto, and some special notices from persons in high state.
My poor cousin, Sir Griffin Markham, prayeth my service in his behalf with the King, concerning his imprisonment.<52>
I must write my news to my poor wife. The bishops came to the King about the petition of the puritans; I was by, and heard much discourse. The King talked much Latin, and disputed with Dr. Reynolds, at Hampton, but he rather used upbraidings than argument; and told the petitioners that they wanted to strip Christ again, and bid them away with their snivelling: moreover, he wished those who would take away the surplice, might want linen for their own breech. The bishops seemed much pleased, and said his Majesty spoke by the power of inspiration. I wist not what they mean; but the spirit was rather foul mouthed. I cannot be present at the next meeting, though the bishop of London said I might be in the antechamber: it seemeth the King will not change the religious observances.There was much discourse about the ring in marriage, and the cross in baptism; but if I guess aright, the petitioners against one cross will find another.
I this day heard the King deliver his speech to the Commons and Lords, and noted one part thereof, wherein his Majesty called the devil a busy bishop, sparing neither labour nor pains. My Lord of London told me, "he thought his Majesty might have chosen another name."
