(Tune of "Moloney with His Name Above the Door")

THERE'S a monkey in the lane,
          He is always raising Cain.
          Enough to put your liver in a rile.
Let us calmly contemplate
The dilapidated state,
          The ambidextrous monkey near the stile.

The ambidextrous monkey near the stile,
That nasty little critter ain't he vile.
          He doesn't care a nickel
          I fear we'll have to pickle,
The ambidextrous monkey near the stile.

We will get a ton of salt,
We will mix it well with malt
          And then we'll hit the monkey with a club,
We will dislocate his spine,
Then we'll stir him up in brine
          And after that we'll fry him in the tub.

The ambidextrous monkey in the tub,
Will make a very tender plate of grub.
          The nasty critter net it,
          We never can forget it,
The ambidextrous monkey in the tub.

The monkey don't agree
With either you or me.
          I fear I know the reason why I ache,
The villagers are sick,
Each Harry, Tom or Dick.
          We feel as though we'd eaten up a snake.

We feel as though we'd eaten up a snake.
It's quite enough to make yer marrow quake.
          So brace yer kidney Nunkey
          And never eat a flunky,
Especially a monkey or a snake.

Take my advice and don't
Eat monkey—then you won't
          Have any deep infliction with an ache
In your liver and your lungs,
Your kidney nor your rungs.
          There's nothing worse than gobbling a snake.

Take my advice, don't ever eat a snake,
Your marrow then will never take a quake.
          Be careful with your dishes.
Just follow out my wishes
          And never eat a monkey with a snake.

Go sharpen up a scythe,
I'll make that monkey writhe,
          I'll slice him like a carrot in a box.
But not to-day my dear.
Without my keg of beer
          I'm but a poor dilapidated fox.

I'm but a poor dilapidated fox,
Without a bit of gumption in my box.
          So tighten up the halter
          And then we cannot falter.
I'll polish up the gumption in my box.

We'll cut the monkey up
Before we go to sup
          On pigeon pie without a drop of wine,
And after we are through
I'll tell you what we'll do,
          We'll throw the monkey's carcass to the swine.

We'll throw the monkey's carcass to the swine.
You bet 1'11 put a stuffer in my spine.
          I'll liquidate poor griffy,
          I'll do it in a jiffy.
I'll throw the monkey's carcass to the swine.

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