Introduction
(By the Father)

I OFTEN thrash my eldest son,
He says, "Thy holy will be done."
          And then I grease the strap with lard
          And spank him, oh, so very hard!
I spank him, "Easy?" "Oh, dear, no!"
That method would not be a go
          It would not have the right effect,
          It hardly could be termed correct,
It would not be the wiser course.
I come from Norway, I'm a Norse.
          And, now, regarding naughty Jim,
          I leave the narrative to him.

Narrative
(By the Son)

On a bright September morning,
Father spanked me, without warning,
          Laying me across the table,
          Spanking me upon my gable.
How engrossing! how compelling!
Father loves to hear me yelling,
          Blistering the proper landing.
          I must eat while I am standing.

See the pretty oaken ruler,
Color of the coffee cooler.
          Such an ever-slapping toiler,
          Yes, one perfect, stinging broiler.
Father's method is uplifting,
Ever searching, never drifting,
          Never swerving, ever landing,
          I must eat while I am standing.

Yes, I fear that I must ever
Eat while standing. Father's clever,
Handles well the strap, outflinging
          With full justice. Oh, the stinging!
Oh, the smarting, oh, the Devil!
Father's on the proper level.
          Oh, the blistering, the branding!
          I must eat while I am standing.

See where they arrange the dinner
For the chimney corner Sinner-
          Absolutely true, no fable;
          See where they arrange the table.
See the mantelpiece all ready,
I've no use for Mother Eddy,
          She will never ease the branding,
          I must eat. while I am standing.

One day Father lost the ruler,
Color of the coffee cooler,
          While we quietly were strolling
          Through the meadow near the rolling
Banks of the Euphrates River.
          Father made me totter, shiver.
          Like some ghastly, cruel Werner,
          Father grabs the pancake turner,
Flourishing the tin utensil,
Marking me as with a stencil,
          Oh, the slapping, scorching, branding!
          I must eat while I am standing.

Father is so captivating,
Ever spanking, no abating,
          Tingle, shingle,* ever frightful
          Yet uplifting, how delightful!
No reprieve, not on yer kidney,
Father spanks his little Sidney,
          Slapping me in two-four time,
          In a sort of Tuscan rhyme.
Father is so perserving,
No side tracking, perfect steering.
          Daddy is King pin at branding.
          I must eat while I am standing.

*Shingle: A small, oblong bit of cedar wood made for covering roofs. Shingles are also very frequently used for purposes of youthful correction. The Author.

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