I RIDE upon the bridle path
Of sin, and never take a bath.
All opportunities I clench,
On the qui vive (you see I'm French),
Dandy at Second Story work.
I am a Billy McGlory Turk.
I married a pretty Spanish hen,
She dotes on second story men.
My business is so neat, genteel,
My name is ambidextrous Neil.
My soul doth glow with ardent zeal,
And when I'm pinched, I never squeal,
For I belong to the sporty clan,
One regular Billy McGlory man.

Perhaps you think my business queer,
Of course you do, that's very clear.
You silly dear, ring up the town,
And kick the sinner further down
The ladder, till I reach the pool.
I know you think me one damned fool.
I do not keep your golden rule,
I'm obstinate as any mule
I think my business fine. Don't quench
My ardour, you can never drench
With water cool, poor me, nor wrench
My soul. You think my art all stench,
But no it ain't, I'm dandy Dan,
One regular Billy McGlory man.

I live on Baxter Street near Pell,
Third floor back, that's where I dwell,
Oh, thunderation, hooky Hell!
Gracious, what a Maloney smell—
Onion hash, please keep yer coat on,
That is what the lodgers dote on—
Onions. Fumigate the house,
Kill the buggy smelling louse.
All the lodgers love to fry
Onion hash. I hope to die
If I ever change my taste,
How I love the nasty paste!
Keep yer shirt on, chase the fox,
I wear Billy McGlory sox.

Brace yer kidney, pluck yer goose,
I and the Devil am both let loose.
My plighted word was put to proof,
I kicked my Mother off the roof.
The dear old lady took a scrape,
Athwart the iron fire escape.
She hung mid air, yelling aloud,
To the amusement of the crowd.
It really was a sight, my dear,
To see my Mother wild with fear,
Suspended bleeding in the air,
The rabble shouting—but forbear,
I'm very dry, please rush the can
I am a Billy McGlory man.

The dear old lady died, how sad!
The officer arrived, too bad!
There was a mixing up of fists,
They got the handcuffs on my wrists,
After a dozen upper cuts.
Ain't it enough ter jar yer guts?

Don't let yer under lip retort,
Lick yer guzzle, be a sport,
Look up, Jakie, ain't I game?
The knotted rope my neck will claim.
Yet I am happy in this cell,
Waiting until I go to Hell.
And when I do please roll the rock,
I am of Billy McGlory stock.

ODE OF THE LEPER

I LIVE in luxurious style,
          Am almost a Prince, one high stepper,
Far out on the Molaki Isle,
          In short, I'm a King, though a Leper.
I'm full of white blisters. Each scale
Is a curio fierce. I'll regale
          Your brain with one sickening spasm.
I'll tell you the tale, 'twill amaze
And almost enlighten, though craze
          Your ears with the truth, no phantasm.

I am a Leper,
Dandy high stepper,
          Fiery pepper! All sickening details—
          Better omit them, and as for the exhales—
Rotten! I'm trembling—
Something resembling
Poisonous clinches,
Microbes with winches,
          Tear at my scales, most horrible details!
          Everything quails, I'm scratching my entrails.

They tell me I'll shortly be dumb,
So, therefore, I'd better be squealing.
My nose is quite perfect, though numb,
          Congealing with cancerous peeling.
The large swollen joint where my thumb
          Adjoineth my hand has no feeling.
My members I constantly doff,
          It makes me feel creepy to state it,
Last Friday my left ear fell off
          The Kitty Cat caught it and ate it.

Kittens are playful
All of the day full.
          Kittens are lively, all action.
          Lepers belong to one faction,
Dropping by pairs
Ears unawares.
Kitty Cat dares—
Playfully tears,
          While yanking out hairs—strange attraction,
          Oh, horrible, what an infraction.
Pity the Leper chuck full of pepper,
          Dandy high stepper
          Eaten away
                    Verily yea.

The soup very thin,
Stuck under my chin—
          Not knowing my nose was all tottering,
          My poor eaten nose—bloody, clottering!
While placidly waiting,
So lax, aviating
About antedating
          Oh, ye! Oh, ye!
Foul death aggravating,
          Unknown to me
My nose quite detaching,
          Fell into the bowl
Of soup. My breath catching,
          I swallow it whole.
I am beaten, beaten,
My nose I've eaten.

I've eaten my nose.
I'll coddle my woes
'Til everything goes
To carrion crows.
          Verily yea
          Eaten away.

I sat all distracted ablaze
          With soul trodden down, my will beaten.
My brain all confusion, one daze
          My very own nose I had eaten.
I'm beaten as flat as a kite, yes,
That sorrowful mystical bite, yes,
          Oh, what is this pain, oh, my spasm!
There's something congesting one lung.
          My soul now is leaping the chasm
I'm stung yes, I spat out my tongue.

I'm now on the way
To a rapid decay,
          Enjoying my nondescript status.
          Ah, will the foul fiend antedate us?
I'll patiently stay
Until eaten away,
I stand all dismay
On the great Judgment Day,
          When Heaven or Hades will crate us,
          And Peter will pet or berate us.
Oh, pity the leper all chuck full of pepper!
          Dandy high stepper.
Eaten away
Verily yea.

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