A tragedy in one act and five scenes.

Scene I.

CHORUS asleep L. Banks of the River Nile near Cairo.
Enter CUPID.

CUPID

          UPON yon crest methinks I see a dove.
I thank thee, Heaven, strike my heart, oh pierce
          Thy little Cupid Baby, God of love,
With love, a gill, a gallon, nary a tierce.
          Ye men and women do not push, don't shove,
Nor garble much with expectation fierce.
          Think of the future, of thy home above,
Oh, wretched world!

Enter SATAN

SATAN

Oh pray thee, stop that foolish prattle, cease
Thy meditations—hike along and grease
Thy path to Elsewhere—well you know the place,
Look—the Last Chance, Cupid you lead the pace
Thou wicked little baby god so frisky.
But first and foremost let us have some whisky.
Brace up thy wing, be spry, advance, advance,
Look at that sign-board plainly, the Last Chance.
[Both exit in Tavern R.

CHORUS (Looking in crystal)

What do I see—
Oh, wondrous, the Sphinx, stupendous pile!
          The Priestess standing on the cliff—that crunch!
That sound now rising from the mighty Nile,
          That noble river flowing swift, all punch.
The Priestess holds a baby—shocking, vile!
          That crocodile—the baby is its lunch.
That crunching sound—those monster teeth defile
          Each baby of the sacrifice—that bunch
Of heathen worshippers transfixed all guile.
          That flash, that whizz, oh vile, abhorrent lunch!
The stomach of the sacred crocodile
          Receives its hunch, oh, cabalistic crunch!
This strange presentiment, oh what, I'll tarry not!
[Exit

Scene 2.

That section of Hell called Fiddlers' Green. Pig sty R. Grating L. Little girl discovered in her night dress standing on her head on the hot pavement. Enter SEVENTEEN DAMNED SOULS ALL IN FIRE. Smell of burning hair.

DAMNED SOUL

Oh pray thee, tell me, maiden!
          Why art thou sorrow laden?
You seem so young and innocent, why fry
          Thus, standing on thy head, dear
Thy torments out of gear, queer.
          What is the reason for it, tell me, why?

LITTLE GIRL

You wonder why I stand upon my head.
          I only do it for a change instead
Of keeping one position all the time.
This is my sentence for one mortal crime.
          I am a naughty little culprit Fay.
I alternate each day. I but obey.
          To-morrow, I will twist about and stay
The livelong day, standing the other way
          Upon the broiling pavement of the street,
Blistering both my little tender feet. (Braying in distance.)
That sound, at last the darling donkey brays.
Oh, joyful sound, we'll Ebenezer raise!

JUDAS ISCARIOT appears at grating.

JUDAS ISCARIOT

Attention, little prisoner! please turn
Your somersault, and let your tootsies burn.
So just be kind enough to alternate,
Do make a change at once and cool your pate.
          Upsy-daisy, in she goes.

The girl stands on her bare feet.

Don't you wish you wore your hose?
[Exit.

Enter MODERNIZED DEVIL, dancing.

MODERNIZED DEVIL (dancing around girl).

My name is Alexander,
I am a salamander.
          It is such fun to caper on the coal.
The burning flame delights me,
The fire never frights me,
          It cannot harm my foot upon the sole.
Poor little girl, the beauty
Is standing there so cutie
          Upon the flaming street her tender feet
Are in the fire, frying,
Oh, hear the birdie crying!
          The gentle lambkin, listen to her bleat.
This fire is a riddle,
One everlasting griddle,
          This everlasting roasting, what a smell!
So scrape the Devil's fiddle,
Hi diddle, diddle, diddle!
          First to right, then to the left, Oh, Hell!
[Exit.

A large snout appears above edge of pig sty followed
by two bright eyes. (Little girl weeps bitterly.)

SPEAKING HOG

Remember you were full eight years of age
When you committed mortal sin. Don't rage
          Poor child. 'Tis pitiful to see
Thy fate so dire in the burning fire.
          Arrange thy troubled thoughts, agree
Without one plea. You do not burn entire.
          Though treated to the roasting treat
          You are not all exposed to heat.
          Though standing on the red hot street
          Your misery is not complete,
          Naught sees the fire but your feet.
[Little girl steps about uneasily as flames caress her
ankles.

Scene 3.

Paris. A Boulevard. Tower, R. Corn crib, L. Enter CAGLIOSTRO, gazing in bowl, and followed by Mothers leading children.

CAGLIOSTRO

The hair brush taken from the toilet case
          Will never kill the child. 'Tis better far
To beat it half to death. We'll slap its face
          Then throw it down the stairs. 'Twill badly jar
The child (of course), but in a little space
          There will not be a trace or bruise to mar
The beauty of thy offspring dear. So brace
          Thyself with glass of whisky, strong. Thy star
Will reach an eminence sublime. Your case
          Will sometime see an awful change. Bizarre
As my opinion now may seem, I place
          The case upon its value face. Coal tar
Well mixed with feathers soon will nicely grace
          All Spankers at the Vigilantes bar.

All kneel. CAGLIOSTRO raises hand in benediction. Invisible chorus of Vestal Virgins.

VESTAL VIRGINS

In yonder dish-pan broiling
          There lies a sinner tattered and torn,
          There lies a sinner all forlorn,
There where the smoke is coiling,
There where the Stoker toiling,
          Poking the Sinner partially done
          Sings to himself. The day is won.
Oh, hear him howl while broiling!
          Broiling—Broiling—Broiling—
          Broiling—Broiling—Br—r-r-r—
Voices and moonbeam blend languidly broken as the scene closes in.

Scene 4.

Street in Danville, Indiana. Grecian temple, C. Pig sty, L. Cabbage patch, R. Mount Vesuvius in the distance. Parrot in cage, C. Enter MODESTUS, followed by Fathers leading children.

MODESTUS

Ye Guardians of children, do not spank
          Those tiny charges with correcting brush.
Nay, do not visit every childish prank;
          With slap from thy descending palm. Tush, tush!
I know thy answer ere it come. Don't yank
          Those small offenders o'er thy knee, nor rush
The child into a closet dark, but thank
          Thy lucky star thou hast a chance to gush
And flush each little soul with love. Be frank,
          Repent thy false philosophy. Don't crush
The gem confided to thy care, don't spank.
          But look, sweet Elsie Dinsmore comes, all mush.
All exit in temple, R. Invisible chorus chant litany.
Enter ELSIE swinging a slap stick and followed by a crowd of children.

CHILD

I'm sick of all this quack trick,
          Why don't you get a move on?
Pray, throw away your slap stick,
          Get in another groove, John
Calvin's eyes are on us,
He soon will charge upon us.
Children utter murmurs of indignation.

ELSIE DINSMORE

Shut up, you brats, I'll break each little neck!
          Shut up, you bunch of nasty skunks, I'll wreck
And pulverize each kid with dirty nose!
          I've half a mind to drench you with a hose.
I once attended meeting twice a day,
          But found my Pastor made of Common Clay.
And so I shook the church and took to quite.
          Another method, dandy, out of sight.

(Bell rings)

Just listen to that dismal funeral bell.
          I fear my saintly husband went to Hell.

(Children all murmur)

You won't be quiet? then, I'll have to blister,
Yes, I must spank each brother and each sister.

Children raise their fists. ELSIE retreats to table, L, followed by children. ELSIE drops slap stick—goes to table, takes up slop bucket. Children continue to advance. ELSIE douses children with contents of slop bucket. The children hide their faces, screaming. There comes a clap of thunder. Vesuvius spouts forth fire. Spirit of washerwoman floats by from R. to L.

VESTAL VIRGIN (appearing at door of temple).

The washerwoman's dead,
          How sad, how sad !
Her husband is revved
          The cad, the cad!
How smugly shady,
Poor washer lady,
          Paying her bill,
          Gulping her fill.
Oh, washer lady!
Oh, so shady !
You've done ill,
Swallow yer pill,
Swallow yer pill.
Chorus fades away.

Stage grows dark. Moonbeam lights up the cabbage patch, L. Many rabbits are seen hopping about. Enter SPEAKING HOG. HOG grabs rabbit and runs down stage holding rabbit aloft. The rabbit has but one eye.

VESTAL VIRGIN

He's caught the one-eyed rabbit,
Thou lucky hog. Oh, grab it,
Oh, lucky, lucky hog,
Emerging from the fog!
(Braying in distance.)
The darling donkey brays.
'Twill Ebenezer raise.

Moonbeam shifts to cage, L. Discovering parrot picking at grasshopper. Music dies slowly away as scene closes in.

Scene in Hell. Enter CUPID floating on cloud.

CUPID

Touching on and appertaining to
I'd remark, it's very paining to
Nervous systems, quite a freezer
Bolstering poor Ebenezer.
Evil doers get their fill,
Swallowing their proper pill
          Settling their diary,
Of this earthly mill,
          Gulping down the fiery
Retributive pill.
          Ye have acted ill,
          Swallow down the pill. [Exit.

Clouds roll away, discovering Wop enveloped with chains of fire.

WOP

I am a Methodist Wop,
See where I sizzle and pop.
Listen, I'll tell you, my dear,
What is the reason I'm here.

While upon earth I was living,
Fridays, I ran about giving
Catholic Wops hungry young
Sandwiches, made of beef tongue.

There in the open fresh air,
Playing in Washington Square,
Catholic children, poor Wops,
Look for the Methodist slops.

Put out the bait, let them bite.
Oh, such a wicked delight!
Always selecting some Friday,
Yes, that day always was my day

As a good Methodist Wop.
Oh, what a pain, I must flop!

METHODIST WOP shrieks as crackling flames hide him from view. Enter braying DONKEY.

DONKEY

I'm a donkey, as you see,
          Ebenezer bends his knee.
Ebenezer, pray, be up,
          Up and doing, lazy pup.
Now, I'll have to heat the freezer,
          Fetch the pincers, turn the squeezer,
Pinch that teaser, lazy greaser,
Here I'll raise my Ebenezer. [Exit.

Enter seventeen half-starved DEVILS.

DEVILS (Dancing in chorus)

Ring around a rosy,
          Get the sulphur ready,
Everything is cosy.
          Even Mother Eddy
In her little niche thinks
          She is quite a dandy,
Goodness, how the witch stinks,
          Fetch along the brandy.
Poke the fire, make them smell,
High diddle di diddle,
Hell, Hell, Hell ! [Exit dancing.

Enter LORD CHANCELLOR, TREVELLA and VIOLET

LORD CHANCELLOR

Rest here awhile my worthy pal,
Fit company for bluff King Hal,
And furthermore there is a rumour,
Thy darling Elsie burst a tumour.
Soon will she reach this sultry clime,
Look for thy wife at any time. [Exit.

MR. TREVELLA. (All in fire.)

Oh, it is weary waiting in this place!
          Waiting impatiently my wife to die.
When will she ever end her mortal race
          And come and join me and the little Vi,
Here, in this suffocating, dreadful jug?
          Oh, sweetest Elsie, thee I long to see.
Oh, dearest wife, when will I lamp thy mug?
Now, get a move on, darling, come to me,
King Beelzebub, himself, doth hold the key,
Waiting, my love, to lead you here to me,
Where we will hold one everlasting spree.
Even in Hell I know we will agree.
(Braying in distance)
Sing joyful praise, the darling donkey brays,
Open the gate, we'll Ebenezer raise.

Enter LORD CHANCELLOR

LORD CHANCELLOR

I bring intelligence from Earth,
'Twill fill thy heart with peaceful mirth.
The gentle Elsie Dinsmore, dead,
Awaits the judgment o'er her head.
All is despair, all hope is fled,
The furnace now is flaming red.
Elsie will soon arrive in Hell,
Damnation now her name doth spell.
Rejoice, rejoice, poor husband lone!
Thy wife and thee will pick the bone,
Forever and forever, yes,
You both are in one dandy mess. [Exit.

VIOLET (Offering glass of whisky)

Father, this is quieting,
          Mother soon will come.
In a day our dieting,
          Hot, with boiling rum,
Will be shared with Mother dear,
In this place. I think I hear
          Some one knocking,
          Doors unlocking.

MR. TREVELLA

Joy, my wife is coming nigh
          To enliven this black sty,
Will she smell when she will fry,
          In the gloaming, bye and bye?

Enter MODESTUS, CAGLIOSTRO, ELSIE DINSMORE and CUPID. MR. TREVELLA embraces ELSIE. The DEVILS enter, dancing around NERO, followed by HENRY VIII, QUEEN BESS, MARTIN LUTHER, and CALVIN. DEVILS form circle, taking hands and spitting fire.

ELSIE DINSMORE

I never thought it was so nice in Hell.
Sweet husband, dearest, you are looking well.
And you, my daughter, also doth dispel
All fears on thy account, my heart doth swell,
And when my other little children croak,
Let's pray they join us here, oh, holy smoke!
My heart is full, what a peculiar smell!
I wish my other children were in Hell.

VIOLET

Joyful reunion, ecstasy of mirth!
          Thou very best of Mothers,
Tell me—my brothers—how are things on Earth?
          How are my younger brothers?
Is their health failing—speak, I want to know,
Will they soon die and join us here below?
O Mother dearest by thy face I see
My younger brothers soon will come to me.

DEVILS (All dancing)

Hell is now complete, yes,
          Devils by the million!
Let us have more heat, yes,
          What a fine cotillion!
Here is bluff King Hal, Oh!
          Martin Luther, Nero,
Good Queen Bess from Soho,
          Judas is the hero.
Calvin joins the prancing,
          Never ending, never,
Mockery of dancing
          Hot, hot Hell, forever!
Let's be jolly all's well.
High diddle di diddle,
          Hell! Hell!

TREVELLA and ELSIE DINSMORE turn somersaults in the flame. All shout. Red fire. More yells. Confusion. Smell of burning flesh permeates entire theatre. Howls of blasphemy. (Slow music.)

Curtain.

The production under the immediate supervision of

PETER PRATT.

Stage Manager                                          STINKY FINN
Acting Director                                         BILL GREEN
Electric Lighting                                       POWDER-FACE MITCHELL
Costumes   TOM KELLY
Property Man                                            RED-NOSE HAMILTON
Mistress of Wardrobe.                               SUSAN HACK
Keepers of Hog and Donkey                    LEONZO BROTHERS
Musical Director                                        SENIOR PATRICK OPERTI
Housing of Live Stock.                             MONTGOMERY STABLES
Call Boy     LOOK-UP JOHNSON

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