THE multitude is shouting, Oh hear the fife and drum.
I lie upon the bed of pain, I feel so very bum
I cannot move an inch. Oh dear, I know I shall succumb.
The uric acid gathers in the corner of my thumb.

The awful night is passing, my thumb is on the bum.
The little robin singing, while looking for a crumb,
Doth gladden my poor rim rams, my heart is overcome.
The ministering Angel bringeth a glass of rum.

That Angel of the hospital, the kind and gentle nurse, Now slips one hand beneath the pillow, softly grabs my purse,
Then quietly she slips away, more favours to disburse
Among the sick and dying—how horribly perverse!

I cannot budge, I cannot move one inch, that glass of rum
Has paralyzed all faculties, I feel as if a drum
Was beating in my brain. I cannot speak, I'm dumb.
The uric acid gathers in the corner of my thumb.

That woman with the cancer in the gullet, hear her stammer.
The gentle nurse, ungentle now, raises the staff to slam her.
Why don't they end the case at once and hit her with a hammer.

I do not know what I am writing in this garbled rare Selection. Oh! the pain it doth my heated brain ensnare Causing contradictions. All qualities forswear
Allegiance, now leaving me sick as a spavined bear.

My stomach now doth bulge, oh! for one single crumb—
That may excite my appetite, oh! what a buzzing hum!
The Doctor made me take quinine, one ear is almost dumb,
The uric acid gathers in the corner of my thumb.

The acid poisonous now crawls insidious beneath
The gum and circles round, and forms one nasty little wreath,
And worse, that sting, that horrid thing, the tartar on the teeth.

That fellow in the corner bed was lately amputated,
He lost his leg, but does not care, he truly is elated.
The artificial limb is bright. He is so antiquated
He thinks the leg is made of gold, we see it's only plated.
But let the fellow smile away, we all know he is fated,
Yes, slated in a day or so to take a journey crated.

Of all the pains on our earth, rheumatic pains are bum,
Leave acid fruit alone, my friend, never indulge in rum.
I know what I am writing of, my left ear still is dumb.
The uric acid gathers in the corner of my thumb.

Prev Next