ADAPTED FOR LYCEUM PERFORMANCES, SUNDAY SCHOOLS, ETC.

SCENE I

Hillside in Palestine. Bell tower on left.
PILGRIM and STRANGER enter C.

STRANGER

"HOLY Pilgrim, tell me, pray,
Do you ever brush your hair?
Oh, how shaggy, just like hay,
Ragged, quite unkempt, beware.
Change your habit, take a scrub.
Go and tumble in the tub."

PILGRIM

"Gentle Stranger, patience have.
See my whiskers, ain't they thick?
Don't you see I am a Slav?
It is not my place to kick.
Must I grumble with my lot?
Soap and water know me not."

STRANGER

"Holy Pilgrim, what are those
Lumps within your whiskers, say?
Wait until I get the hose,
Soon we'll have a lovely spray
Cleansing out the dust; don't grin,
Turn the spigot, we'll begin."

PILGRIM

"Gentle Stranger, smooth thy brow.
I must really say thee nay.
I have made a solemn vow
Always to remain a jay.
I decline to wash my face.
Fare thee well, sweet child of grace."

STRANGER

"Holy Pilgrim, I declare
Now I see those horrid lumps,
Heavens! mushrooms in your hair?
First I thought you had the mumps."
          (A bell tolls.)
"Hark! I hear the convent bell.
Holy Pilgrim, fare thee well."

          [Both exit.

SCENE II

Exterior of Bishop's palace at R. Tavern at left.
Enter PILGRIM and STRANGER.

STRANGER

"Holy Pilgrim, I'll be switched,
You are curried like a horse.
What strange power hath bewitched,
What hath made the change, what source?
All the mushrooms you so cherished
In your whiskers vanished, perished."

PILGRIM

"Gentle Stranger, it is simple;
Just as plain as plain can be.
Do you see this little pimple
On my nose? It troubles me.
Goodness mercy how it stings!
If 'twould only take to wings."

STRANGER

"Holy Pilgrim, you emerged
From the Bishop's cellar door,
You are clean, have you been purged?
You have washed your lower jaw.
In that purse I hear a chink.
Won't you give your friend a drink?"

PILGRIM

"Gentle Stranger, cork your guzzle,
Mushrooms bring ten cents a quart.
Clinch the brake upon your muzzle.
I confess I have been caught.
Sold the mushrooms for a dollar,
Had to wash and buy a collar."

STRANGER

"Holy Pilgrim, gentle toiler
Hear that crackle, what a smell!
Mushrooms cooking on a broiler,
Holy Pilgrim, you've done well.
Dainties for the Bishop. Cluck!
Now I'll blow you off, my duck."

          [Both exit into tavern.

SCENE III

A Barroom. CLERGYMAN and WIFE at table drinking beer. PILGRIM and STRANGER enter.

BARKEEPER

"Holy Pilgrim, nice and clean,
Gentle Stranger, somewhat soiled.
Mushrooms, grated lima bean
First parboiled and then well broiled.
Never let your zeal abate.
Serve it on the Bishop's plate."

THE CLERGYMAN

"Children, I must raise my voice.
I am pastor of your church.
Happy people, all rejoice,
I'll not leave you in the lurch.
Sunday I'll take off my coat
If you people get my goat.
Holy Moses, mighty Caesar!
Here I'll raise my Ebenezer."

WIFE OF CLERGYMAN

"Sisters, brothers, pray don't fight,
Everyone should love the Lord.
I adore the free lunch bite.
Smash the purse, let loose the hoard.
Chauffeurs waiting, hear the honks.
One Manhattan, then a Bronx."

BARROOM LOAFER

"Won't you pity one poor bum,
Have you got a heart to melt?
Drop a tear, for this humdrum
Johnnie hit the road a welt.
In my throat I feel a tickle
Shovel out one greasy nickel."

CHORUS OF EVERYBODY

"Let us all be happy. See
How the great unwashed doth glow,
Like some dandy dapper he.
Let us all sing 'Old Black Joe.'
While the Bishop over there
At his dinner table sits,
Upright in his gilded chair,
Gobbles quick and never quits.
See the Bishop bluster, puff,
Eat mushrooms a la dandruff."

BENEDICTION
(Given by Clergyman.)

"Kneel, my friends, my blessing take.
Presently the calf will fatten.
Always shun the fiery lake.
Sure! We'll drink one more Manhattan.
Each soul clinging to his rock,
Blessings on my little flock." (Embraces WIFE.)
"Dear speckled hen,
Amen, amen.

Angel of light sails in on a broomstick.

ANGEL

"Little children, really I
Pin no faith in foxy skates.
They're not smart, just merely sly.
When they die they're packed in crates
Filled with burning red-hot coals.
Lord have mercy on your souls.
May you never boil or bake;
May you sing the song of praise;
May you feed on angel cake;
Mend all errors of your ways;
Scrape the spiritual scruff
Off your hide. Don't be a muff.
Do your duty. Make a hit.
Chuck the devil in the pit.
Do not be a silly kite,
Thus I sprinkle you pure white."

The angel dips brush in bucket and sprinkles the whole bunch.
Everybody is overcome by emotion. All weep. Moon shines through window. Invisible chorus of Monks chant "Te Deum." Curtain descends.

The piece to be costumed as follows:

CLERGYMAN. Black cassock. White surplice richly embroidered with lace. Carries gold-headed cane.

PILGRIM. Pyjama jacket without the pants. Legs uncovered. Broad-brimmed straw hat. Carries long staff ornamented with gilded eagle at top. Red Turkish slippers curled up at ends.

STRANGER. Modern full-dress evening suit. No hat. Carries large umbrella.

BARKEEPER. White flannel suit. White shoes. Head tied up with wet towel.

LOAFER. Dressed as a tramp. Unwashed. Carries bundle done up in coloured handkerchief in one hand and a hymn book in the other.

WIFE OF CLERGYMAN. Short green jersey sweater. No skirt at all. Pink tights. Jewelled order of the garter clasped below right knee. Satin slippers. Very large shaker bonnet. Carries prayer book. Is followed by white poodle dog.

ANGEL OF LIGHT. Red beard. Blue wings. Cavalry boots. Long white robe. Carries bucket in one hand and white-wash brush in the other.

Prev Next