Oh, there was a man with a brass Adam's apple,
Who one morning entered the moss-covered chapel.
The sexton, he stood near the pulpit so green;
His face was unwashed and not fit to be seen;
He stuttered, he muttered, he talked through his hat,
He sang like a bat and he coughed up a rat.
The fleas from this rat scattered all through the chapel,
And ate up the man with the brass Adam's apple.

Oh, there was a man with a celluloid throat
Who once sailed along in a little green boat;
His wife, she was troubled with ossified liver;
Her thumb, it was pierced with a sharp oaken sliver.
Now this sliver, this liver, this boat, and this throat,
Were at last swallowed up by a petrified goat.

Oh, there was a man with a lop-sided ear-drum;
It caused him to swagger, he was quite a queer bum.
He swaggered so much it affected one eyelid,
And everyone laughed at whatever this guy did.
At last he decided, this life's but a bubble,
Then jumped down a well, and so ended his trouble.

Oh, there was a man with a mangy moustache,
Whose nostrils were spotted with green nettle-rash;
His left arm was swelled to a horrible size;
He stretched up his right hand and scratched out his eyes;
He tore out his heart, he gulped and he sighed;
He burst all apart, and we fear he has died.

Oh, there was a man who harangued a large crowd;
His gestures were awkward, his howlings were loud;
He injured one tonsil, he twisted one wrist-joint;
So into his mouth we inserted a sharp point.
And being quite sick of his shouts at the rabble
We cut out his tongue, and that finished his gabble.

Oh, there was a man, who when living down South cursed,
Then dared to sing hymns without washing his mouth first.
This shocked all the neighbours so much that they grabbed him,
And spanking him soundly, they afterwards stabbed him;
And being hard up, and requiring cash,
They fried him in butter and sold him for hash.

Oh, there was a man who stole forty-eight dollars,
Investing the same in six cats with green collars.
And wanting some dishes, he bought six tin milk cans.
This extra expense made him steal twenty silk fans.
Now, fearing his conduct not quite on the level,
He blew out his brains and then went to the Devil.

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