Magdalen Hospital, 1763.
            I repeat the observations I made in the last letter I did myself the pleasure of writing to you Madam, that I never was so sensible of the sacrifice I had made Mr Markland, as when I returned home, and reflected how true, how amiable a friend I had given up for him. When I considered my sister's whole conduct, how little did I appear in my own eyes. I do not know how I could have supported the view of my own meanness, had not Mr Markland arrived in town, and restored me to my vanity, for nothing but vanity could preserve me from my own contempt; for I think I may properly give it that name, to an opinion that succeeds what we deserve.

            A young woman called at my door to enquire after my health for two or three days successively, after this interview with my sister, who I judged was sent by her in kind anxiety, least the great flutter of my spirits should have impaired my constitution; after that, I heard nothing of. her, nor durst I make any enquiries at that. time.

            No change happened in my way of life till I was brought to bed of a very fine boy, nor did this make any alteration, but my temporary illness, and the addition of this lovely child to our family, which was an increase of happiness; our fondness for it was equal, and instead of out affections being lessened by having a third to share it with us, each seemed to look upon the others being parent to this little darling, as a new pledge which caused if possible, an increase of fondness.
            The winter altered, not lessened our attendance on public amusements, but we were obliged to go in a more private manner, as there was a greater chance of meeting with some of Mr Markland's graver acquaintance; this caution if I had not been lost to shame, must have shocked me, but the violence of my passion, the extreme tenderness of Mr Markland's behaviour, and the care he took to furnish me with books, that should in his absence keep alive my infatuation, made me regardless of everything else, and no one was ever more disposed to say more cordially from her heart

Fame, wealth, and honour, what are you to love?

            A second year passed away in the same madness of the mind, but at the beginning of the third, I thought I perceived an alteration in Mr Markland, he endeavoured to appear the same, but the tenderness of his behaviour, instead of being the free emanation of his heart, seemed forced and constrained; the impediments to his coming to me were multiplied.

            One would have thought that people were now making themselves reparation for having lost much of his company, and were determined to engross him entirely. Even his child grew less dear to him though more engaging every day.

            At first I endured this change with silence, and I may add with tears, for weeping was now my principal employ in his absence, and I believe nothing could have prevented its being constantly so, but the fear of rendering myself odious in the eyes of him, to whom it was too grievous to be looked upon, even with indifference.

            At last I gently hinted my apprehensions, but I found I gave offence, for having seen too clearly, and to avoid anything which might make me lose the little of his company I now enjoyed, I determined hereafter to bear all in silence; but it is not in the power of language to describe the anguish of my heart, nor the difficulty I found in concealing it.

            In this wretched state I continued for three months, a state which seldom changes for the better, unless when it arises from indifference in us, which to some women, is almost as difficult as to conquer that of their lovers, and to add to my misfortune, I was one of those who can,

Doubt yet dote; despair yet fondly love;

            Cruel as I thought my situation, yet I found there was a state of abstraction beyond it, for into such was I thrown, by a letter brought me from Mr Markland, wherein he acquainted me, that he was then at his first stage towards Harwich, where he was going in order to embark for a foreign port, having accepted an employment, under one of our ambassadors.

            The shock I experienced at the reception of this letter, was of so violent a nature that I cannot even now call it to mind, without an extreme perturbation of mind. The distress of my mind was now beyond what anyone can comprehend; who has not sacrificed all she did, or ought to hold dear, to one man, whose tenderness seemed for some time, to recompense her for all she had relinquished; whose love constituted all her happiness, and who at last, by the most cruel inconstancy, threw her from the airy height of bliss, to which he had conceived he had exalted her, into the lowest abyss of misery.

            Before the receipt of this cruel letter, I thought my grief could not admit of increase; to lose Mr Markland's affection, appeared to me the heaviest misfortune. I did not then understand how soon a woman who cannot possess a man's esteem, losses all his regard when he ceases to love her, but to be left with such indifference with a child, abandoned without one parting kiss, was a shock too great for my constitution to bear. My weak understanding was so shaken, that for two days I was quite out of my senses: to this a fever succeeded, which was violent, but not lasting.

            As soon as my shattered brain grew a little composed, anxiety for my child, made me desirous to preserve a life, which seemed to promise me nothing but misery, but what would I not have undergone, rather than leave that dear babe, friendless, and defenceless, in a world, which now was very low in my estimation! For it is the way of us all, if one person uses us ungratefully, to quarrel with the whole human race, never sensible of universal faults, till we suffer by one to whom we are tenderly attached.

            Care for my child, rendered me obedient to all the orders of my physician, who told me, I must not hope for recovery, without I could compose my mind to some degree of resignation. This argument made me use every means, to change the natural current of my thoughts.

            My little boy, as the only object now of my affection, (and the only inducement for my endeavouring to raise myself out of that state of despair,) I would have always with me, but how often did that increase my grief, by reminding me of his father. If he smiled on me, I thought I saw his father's sweetness, which had charmed my soul, in every endearing action he brought to my remembrance his father's tenderness: if he was diverting I said to myself, how would these once have delighted his father? if he looked pale, how would this air of sickness have alarmed his father's fondness?

            The length of my letter puts me in mind of concluding it, and I am fearful, it may have already trespassed on your patience; should that ever be the case, I must beg it as a particular favour, Madam, that you would acquaint me therewith, and I shall in consequence, endeavour to draw the narrative of my late unhappy life, into a narrower compass, for believe me Madam, it is only with a view to give you pleasure that I sometimes dwell on particulars, which to you, perhaps, may appear uninteresting.

            I have the honour to be Madam,
            Your truly obliged Servant,
            M. S.

Prev Next