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Maria Brown by John Cleland (1766)

The Covent Garden Calendar - Chapter XXIX.

Chapter XXIX.


An éclaircissement from Maria's landlady–Accepts the proposed terms, and is dressed out–Receives the visit of a President à mortier–His behaviour and generosity–The estimable character of a bawd to society illustrated.

            If the reader should chance to be not quite so great a novice as I was in the female commerce of the world, he or she may, perhaps, ere this have formed a shrewd conjecture that I had not got into one of the most sober houses in all Paris. In truth my worthy landlady was one of the most celebrated bawds of that great metropolis, and as such thought she did honour to the name of Laborde. When she found it had only been a stratagem of the maid to announce the arrival of the Baron, in order to put an end to the combat, she returned to me with an air of great satisfaction and seeming complacency.

            'My dear girl,' said she, embracing me, 'I would not have you entertain a bad opinion of us from the little misunderstanding that you have been a spectator of. These are nothing more than trifling sallies of vivacity, and which the occurrence of the smallest incident is capable of appeasing. One cannot always govern the first emotions of one's passion. We are all more or less subject to its influence. Tread upon a worm and it will stir. In other respects, if you were acquainted with these ladies, you would be delighted with the sweetness of their temper. They are the best-natured creatures in the world. Their anger is like a straw fire, extinguished as soon as it is lighted: they forget everything that's passed the moment it is over. As for me, God knows, I am quite a stranger to anything like rancour. I have no more gall in me than a dove. I pity those that would injure me, for I would not hurt a fly. But let's forget all these matters and come to the point.

            'Nobody will pretend to contradict that we make a shocking figure in this world when we are poor. "No money, no Swiss." says the proverb. One might with as much propriety say. "No money, no pleasure, no contentment in this life." Now, as it is quite natural for everyone to wish to live at ease, which can never be procured without money, I believe you must agree with me, that that person must be a great fool who would refuse obtaining a sufficiency, having it in his power to acquire it, particularly when the means that are used are no way detrimental to society. That would be a crime indeed, and Lord preserve me from any such practices. Yes, my dear child, the Lord preserve me from them. My conscience is as clear as crystal upon this score: and defy the world to reproach me with having injured any soul breathing. We are not barbarians that worship the sun: or disciples of those heathens who imagine all that belongs to us dies when our bodies are put into the grave. No, my life, we have souls to be saved; and it should be our chief study therefore to act uprightly in whatever station we are placed in. The calling we follow signifies nothing, provided we act honestly in it. I repeat it again, that we must be dupes, indeed, to our folly or our vanity, not to avail ourselves of those resources with which nature has furnished us. And to whom has nature been more provident in this respect, than to yourself? She has not given you those charms for nothing. She has put it in your own power to be happy, and if you neglect it, you can blame no one but yourself. How many girls, with not half your beauty, have obtained settlements that have made them easy all their lives. Not that I envy them their success, if they had more obligations to me than they have; though, to be sure, ingratitude will force one to think them not altogether worthy of their good fortune. This alone makes one backward in doing good-natured things.'

            'My dear madame,' cried I with some earnestness, 'I hope you will never have reason to complain of my ingratitude.'

            'We can answer for nothing,' replied she, 'they all said the same, and they all forgot what they promised. Grandeur and pomp change people's nature; they don't think the same in affluence, as they do in indigence. If you did but know how many opera girls I have trained and put in the right road, who seem now not to know me, you would be forced to own that gratitude is a virtue that is very rarely practised in the age we live in. But be this as it may, we have a satisfaction in performing kind offices, and there is no one more sensible of this pleasure than myself. À propos, my pretty dear, has so sweet a girl as you never obliged anybody?'

            'Indeed, madame,' I replied very innocently, 'it has never been in my power to confer any great obligations; but–'

            'Pshaw!' interrupted Madame Laborde, 'you don't understand me; have you got your maidenhead yet?'

            At this very extraordinary and unexpected question, I turned as red as scarlet, without being able to utter a syllable of answer.

            'I see,' said she, 'it is gone; but I have a secret to remedy that. However, you know that a merchant cannot deal in a commodity without he is acquainted with its goodness.' In saying this, she entered into an examination without any further ceremony, whilst I remained so astonished, that I was unable either to assist or prevent her.

            The dialogue and behaviour of Madame Laborde, ignorant as I was, had sufficiently opened my eyes to be convinced of the commerce I was to be concerned in; and though I had real chastity enough to have detested the thoughts of prostitution, the reflection of my present indigence, and the improbability of my getting an honest place that would suit me, undermined all the artillery of reason and virtue, which, at first, appeared a very formidable battery against the mercenary forces of this veteran female commander. In a word, the sight of a pink silk sack with silver flowers, and a pinchbeck gold watch, removed even the smallest scruple that I could suggest against the plan of life Madame Laborde had so artfully chalked out for me.

            In this manner was I dressed the next day, when I was complimented by my companions upon the beauty and elegance of my person; and our worthy patroness completed these eulogiums in saying that I looked so ravishing, so irresistible, that I should have all Paris at my devotion. I must acknowledge I was not quite insensible to this flattery for, to own the truth, I could not avoid thinking there was some foundation for what they said, and I considered myself, every time I passed a looking-glass, with an admiration I was before unacquainted with.

            To do justice to Madame Laborde, it must be acknowledged she was upon the foremost lists of the priestesses of Cytherea. Her foresight extended to everything. Besides the boarders which she kept at home, not to be unprovided in cases of accident, or when she had a more than usual demand for her merchandise, she had her corps de reserve in times of scarcity. She had also a complete magazine of all kinds of female wearing-apparel containing gowns and sacks of all colours and suited to all shapes. These she let out at stipulated prices to her boarders and occasional visitors. For instance, I, as one of her new poor proselytes, was to pay at the rate of a petit écu or three livres a day for my wearing-apparel, which she assured me everyone gave. This must have been no small addition to her perquisites.

            Madame Laborde, not being willing that I should pay my petit écu without reaping any advantage from my dress and appearance, had sent notice to some of her best customers of the new addition to her seminary. By this wise precaution. there was no danger of our languishing in expectation.

            M. le M––, one of the Presidents à mortier<168>, who was always more punctual in keeping these assignations than giving audience to his clients, arrived just as I had finished dressing. I perceived a man of rather short stature, dressed in black, with one leg which I afterwards found of wooden manufacture; his neck as stiff as his artificial leg, a head that very rarely moved, lest the quantity of powder which his wig contained might have been in some degree diminished: which, notwithstanding all his care, his clothes bore very evident testimony of. But what he wanted in agility, he made up in fragrance: he was more odoriferous than a perfume-shop.

            'Indeed, Laborde,' said he approaching me, 'I do you honour for this acquisition. This is fine, delicious, divine. Really, you have outdone your usual choice. Upon my word, this young lady is enchanting, she is a thousand degrees handsomer than the picture you drew of her, she is an angel. I am serious. Why, I am fascinated. As I am a magistrate, there is no containing myself. Heavens! what an eye! What a mouth! I must kiss it, I am in raptures.'

            Madame Laborde seeing the negotiation so happily advanced, imagined it was time for her to retire, rightly judging that the presence of a third person was rather unnecessary to Monsieur le President.

            She was no sooner gone than he began to make love to me with all the pomp and majesty of his station. I shall draw a veil over the latter part of this scene, lest it should be as disgustful to the reader as it was to me, and shall only add upon this subject, that having entertained the President for about three-quarters of an hour, I found myself two louis d'ors the richer, which, however, he told me not to mention to Mme Laborde, as he should make her the usual compliment besides, as well as the present he intended me, adding, 'Adieu, my princess. I hope to have the pleasure of seeing you again very soon, as I never met with a woman that gave me so much satisfaction.' He then retired in great haste, and was scarce gone before I had a visit from Madame Laborde.

            Well, my dear,' said she, 'is the President a very good sort it a man? Has he given you anything?'

            'No,' I replied, according to the injunction he laid upon me.

            'Well, then.' said she, 'here is a louis d'or, which he has given me for you. I hope this will not be the only mark you will receive of his generosity, for he seemed to me quite enchanted with you. But, my dear girl, you must not expect that all our customers pay as well. There is profit and loss in all kinds of trades. The good pay for the bad. No trader always gains. You must lump posts and perquisites together. Indeed, our trade would be better and more inexhaustible than a Peruvian mint, if we were never disappointed. But patience, the clergy will meet soon, and then you will see money fly about here. Without any vanity, my house is in no little repute with them. If I had only as many thousand livres income as I have accommodated prelates and abbés of rank, I should be able to make as great a figure as Madame Pompadour herself, who is the head of the profession. But I have no great reason to complain. Thank heaven! I have enough to support me without carrying on business any longer. But I look upon it as part of my duty to be useful to society, and I must amuse myself somehow. Laziness is the mother of all vice. If everyone was employed, they would never think of doing evil.'

            Whilst Madame Laborde was thus expatiating upon the goodness of her trade and the rectitude of her conduct, I began to yawn. Which she perceiving, left me to go to repose, saying to be sure I must have undergone some fatigue, considering I was not yet much used to business.

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