Jane Douglas (1761)
Mother D––s carried on her business with such success, that her house was almost as much frequented by foreigners as English.
One day an Italian count came to her, and Jane, who knew very well how to please the appetite of all her guests, brought him a French girl, who understood all sorts of attitudes, and generally did almost half of the business herself.
The count after making a slight supper with his mistress, for the Italians have weak stomachs, drank very freely of burgundy with her, and retired with his Desdemona to an apartment prepared for them.
The Italian soon began to solace himself with Mademoiselle M––n, who having been used to his countrymen whilst she lived in la Rue de Fossez at Paris, knew perfectly the whole manège, and humoured him in all the caprices of his country.
The count left the candle lighted, for he was of the same temper as the emperor Otho, and chose always to unite the pleasure of seeing, to that of feeling.
Their sport was however soon interrupted, by a very odd accident.
Mother D––-s always kept a monkey, which happening to be then in a corner of the room, was so highly pleased with the salacious scene that passed before him, that he leapt upon the bed; and in this way threw down the candle.
Mademoiselle hereupon, finding the count a little drowsy, seized upon his breeches, which contained a gold watch and few guineas, and slipping the monkey into her place, put on her clothes in a hurry, and ran downstairs.
The monkey having a certain sympathy with Italian, began to caress him in such a manner, that he soon awaked and proceeding to renew his love-combat, received so unlucky a hug from his bedfellow that he started out of bed, and exclaimed in his own language, "Cosi vuol dire questo, il diavolo certamente e venuto per tormertor me." What does this mean? The devil has certainly come to torment me ]
He ran about the room like a madman: but at length, finding himself tired and stupefied, went to bed again, and fell asleep.
About two o'clock Mademoiselle slipped into bed to him again: and next morning, when the count got up, he swore that the devil had been with him in the room.
"Mon Dieu," said Mademoiselle, "there was either the devil or a thief here. For somebody has carried off the silver tankard that lay upon the table."
Mother D––s just at that moment came into the room, and missing the tankard, which Mademoiselle had put out of the way by her directions, swore damnably that the count should pay for it.
The count hereupon fell in a violent passion; and told Mother D––s, that she had used him very ill: "you promised to sell me a maidenhead, and you have sell me the devil. Il diavolo e venuto questa notte."<136>
"I know nothing of your diavolo or your notts, answered Jane; but I insist upon being paid for my tankard."
The Italian swore, in his broken English, that he would never pay for it; for he had paid too much already.
This provoked Jane to so high a degree, that she caused him to be seized by an officer, who was generally within call, just as he was going out of her house.
The Italian hereupon would gladly have paid; but upon searching his pockets, could neither find his money or his watch. However he found his gold snuff-box, which had escaped Mademoiselle, who never thought of searching his coat or waistcoat pockets, as she thought a man carried all he was worth in his breeches.
He sent that, together with his diamond ring, to a pawn-broker, who lent him fourteen guineas upon them, and paid Jane for her tankard, which she took care to charge him pretty roundly for.
But the poor ignorant stranger was glad to compound the matter, rather than be tried at the Old Bailey.