Having already given you the character of a bawd, and shown you her plea for pre-eminence in the art of wickedness, I now come to show you by what famous achievements she comes to deserve it. And when you have seen her cunning in contriving, and her patience in suffering; you must readily acknowledge she is one that spares no pains to be superlatively wicked.

            In the West of England there lived not long since an ancient gentleman to whom providence had been very propitious, in blessing him with a fair estate, so that he wanted for no outward accommodations that might make his life as happy as he could desire: this gentleman, being an old bachelor, had more wealth than wisdom, and desire to act, than ability to perform. For nothing would serve his turn but a wife; and she must be a young one too; for though he was an old man yet he had young inclinations, and fancied himself as brisk at three-score and ten, as when he was but thirty: you may easily imagine a man of his estate could not be long without several offers when his mind was known: for wealth has so many charms in it, that it often blinds the eyes of parents, and makes them mistake their true interest, with respect to the disposal of their children; which consists not so much in being married to rich husbands, as to those that are suitable for them. The beautiful young daughter of a decayed gentleman was offered to this old lecher, who being sensible that he could not expect a handsome young wife with a great fortune, readily accepts of this, who wanted no accomplishments to render her a bride worthy of a better husband, or at least one more suitable: the young gentlewoman, was not half so fond of the match as her parents, who persuaded her to it; and as an encouragement told her that her old husband could not live long and when he died, she would have the advantage of a good estate to get her a better husband; and though she had but few suitors now, for want of a portion answerable to her birth and beauty, yet when the case was so altered, she could not be long without very advantageous offers: these reasons prevailed with the young gentlewoman to accept of the old cuff for a husband; and they were married accordingly.

            But as I have already said, the old gentleman had more desire than ability; and the young lady was fain to accept of his good wishes instead of that due benevolence which she had reason to expect from a husband; the want of which made her too soon repent of what she found was now too late to help.

            There unhappily happened to be not far from their house an old bawd that had been used to lend her charitable assistance to distressed ladies in such cases; who having observed the late languishing of the young lady, rightly judged it proceeded from the disappointment she met with from her old husband; this emboldened the old bawd to take a convenient time to make her a visit; and by such subtle discourses as she used she soon found out the true cause of the young gentlewoman's discontent; upon which the bawd discourses her in this manner:

            "Madam,
            "I hope you will excuse the boldness I take to speak to you, which nothing could have extorted from me, but the compassion I have for you, to see so much blooming youth and beauty cast away upon one that knows not how to make use of it; I am sensible that one of your years and gaiety, can't meet with a greater affliction than to be thus under a notion of being married, deprived of the true ends of marriage: 'tis like being married without a husband, to be married to such a husband as can do nothing. You know madam, we are commanded to increase and multiply: but let the soil be fruitful as it will, there's no increase can be expected where no seed is sown. This, madam, makes me bold to tell you, that you are wanting to yourself, and to the end of your creation, if you don't find out ways to supply that defect and disability, which through extremity of age your husband labours under. I am acquainted with a gentleman, brisk, young and airy, one that's in the flower of his youth; that I am surely would gladly sacrifice himself and all he has to serve a lady in your circumstances; and I have that compassion for your suffering that I would gladly lend my helping hand to bring so good a work as that about, that you might reap that satisfaction which your youth and beauty calls for, and which your husband is too impotent to give you."

            The bawd having made an end of her harangue, the gentlewoman told her she was much obliged to her for that sense she had of her condition, which she acknowledged to be what she represented it: but told her she durst not make use of the remedy she had propounded, first, because it was sinful, and secondly because it was very hazardous; for her husband being sensible of his own imbecility, was so extremely jealous, though she had never given him any cause, it would render all attempts of that nature very difficult to manage; and it would be much better to desist from attempting it, than to miscarry in the attempts.

            The cunning bawd observing that though the young gentlewoman had mentioned the sinfulness of what she had propounded to her, yet she did not so much insist upon that, as on the hazard and difficulty of attempting it; which gave her so much encouragement of succeeding, that she told her, as to the sinfulness of it, considering her circumstances, she could not think it was any; for if she could have had the due benevolence from her husband which he ought to give her, she would not have sought it elsewhere: and therefore if it was at all a sin, it was a venial one, which might be easily forgiven: but as to the last, that it is hazardous and difficult because of your husband's jealousy, this is indeed chiefly to be considered; for old men that can do nothing themselves, are the most jealous lest others should supply their places: and yet notwithstanding all his jealousy, leave but the management of that affair to me, and though, he had the eyes of Argus, we'll deceive him.

            The young woman was soon persuaded to what she had before a mind to. And therefore gives up herself entirely to the conduct of this old bawd: who told her she would acquaint the gentleman that had so great a passion for her; that he was not unacceptable to her, and order him to pass by the door, to and fro, several times the next day, that so she might see him out of her chamber-window, after which interview, they would concert the measures that were to be taken, in order to their coming together. This being agreed upon, the old bawd took her leave of the young lady for that time; and goes to a spark with whom she was in fee, and told him what a prize she had procured for him, and ordered him to equip himself to the best advantage, and walk to and fro before the window at such a time, when he should see her.

            The gallant was presently fired at the news; and resolved to omit nothing that might contribute to the ladies satisfaction on his part: and therefore finifies<4> himself to such a degree, that no beau in town could exceed him, and walked upon the parade according to the time appointed: the lady on her part observing the time as exactly, in being at the window; and all those amorous salutations passed between them, which the distance of the place would admit; both of them wishing with equal desire, for an opportunity to quench their mutual flames.

            But this interview was not so privately carried on, but it was perceived by the old gentleman, whose restless jealousy kept him perpetually waking: he saw from the chamber window where he was, the frequent perambulation of the amorous gallant, and how he cast an eye, as he passed by at his lady's window: this made the old gentleman to apprehend there must be something more than ordinary in those reiterated walks of the young gallant; which gave the old impotent so sensible a disquiet, that he resolved to know the bottom of it. And without taking the least notice of what he had perceived, he seemed more fond and good humoured than ordinary towards his lady; who on the contrary being now full of hopes she should enjoy another that would meet her flames with equal vigour, carried herself towards him with such a strange indifference as did but more confirm her husband in his jealousy: who the next day informed his lady that the day following he must go out of town about some business he had in the country, which would necessitate his absence from her for some time; but told her that she must not take it ill, for he would hasten his return with all the expedition that his business would permit him.

            He could not have said anything to his wife that would have pleased her better, and 'twas with some uneasiness that she concealed her joy from being taken notice of: however, that she might the better hide it, she told him she should think each day a year till his return, and then she kissed him with so much seeming passion, that she was like to have spoiled all, and had almost persuaded the old gentleman to lay aside the thoughts of his pretended journey.

            The young lady took care to acquaint the bawd with these good tidings, who was very well pleased therewith: and promised to give notice to her inamorato, who was equally pleased with the expectation he had of his near-approaching felicity. And thus far things went according to their hearts' desire.

            The day being come of the old gentleman's departure, he got up very early in the morning and with all the (seemingly) most endeared caresses on both sides, he took leave of his lady. And having rid a mile or two out of town, to a friend and confidant of his, he there left his horses and servants, and in the evening returned privately to his own house.

            The old bawd having had word sent her by the lady that her husband was gone out of town, acquaints the gallant therewith and orders him in the evening to be ready by such a time, and that he should walk to and fro, before the door, till such a time as he should be called in: which he promised faithfully to do, and was at his post accordingly.

            The lady had made all things ready for the entertaining her gallant; a splendid banquet being provided for him before he went to his amorous engagement; and being just ready to call him in, her husband (who had been concealed near the house for some time, and seen the suspected gallant walk to and fro in the street,) suddenly enters the house, and finding such a banquet ready prepared, no longer doubted but it was to entertain him; and therefore hastily calls for his wife, and asks her the meaning of those preparations, and who that banquet was designed for? The young lady, surprised and confounded at her husband's unexpected return, was at a loss what to answer him; but plucking up her spirits as well as she could, told him that she was resolved to surprise him, as well as he was to surprise her; for being informed that he had changed his mind, and was returning home, thinking to surprise her, she intended by that banquet to surprise him at his return. This answer of hers, as plausible as it seemed, he was sure was altogether false; and therefore taking her by the shoulder, he with a stern and angry countenance said, "No, thou disloyal strumpet: it is not such a poor excuse as this shall serve thy turn; I am not to be deceived; I saw that lustful lecher walking at the door for whom this banquet was prepared; and had I but been armed, I would have given him another sort of entertainment than that which you designed him; but since your lust's so hot, I'll see if I can't cure it;" and with that he dragged her out of doors, and stripped her naked, and so led her into a pond he had within his yard; and there he tied her fast unto a post which was placed in the midst of it; telling her that by tomorrow morning he hoped she would be something cooler; whilst she in vain protests her innocency, and entreats him to release her. And having left her in this cold condition, locks up his servants in their chambers, and taking all the keys into his own possession, he repairs to bed.

            Her spark in the meantime, weary with so long walking before the door, and wondering that he wasn't admitted, repairs to the old bawd to know the reason of it; she was as much concerned at it as he; but having had a key from the young lady, by which she might at any time come in at the back-door, desired him to stay there, whilst she went to the house to see what was the matter: and having opened the back gate which led into the court where the pond was, she straight saw the lady in the pond, in the same station as her husband left her; and coming towards her, with a low voice, enquired into the cause of her calamity.

            "O," (said the lady to her) "you have ruined me for ever, your cursed counsel has undone me; your eyes are witnesses to what disgrace and misery it has already exposed me; and what the end will be, I know not." "Why," said the bawd, "you have not seen your gallant, without you had some other than he which I designed to help you to." "No, no," replied the lady, "I had prepared for his reception; and just as I was ready to have called him in, my husband came, and unexpectedly surprised me. And seeing the banquet I had made, grew into such a rage, that he has dealt with me thus barbarously." "Well, said the bawd, if this be all, take courage; you shall be even with him still, and if you'll but be ruled by me, the jealous dotard shall be made a cuckold before tomorrow morning: your spark is at my house waiting for my return. I'll take your place, and you shall put my clothes on, and go meet him there, and take your fill of love's enjoyments, and then return again to me."

            The young lady, who was extremely troubled at her late disappointment, and her husband's cruel usage, and perceiving that these things was feasible, she took the offered counsel; and the old bawd having soon stripped herself, and released the young lady, took her place in the pond, whilst she went forth to the bawd's apartment, and there met with her gallant, who at first by her garb took her for the bawd, but was well pleased to find himself mistaken: and being told how matters stood, they made use of their time; and esteemed themselves much beholden to the bawd, by whose contrivance they thus come together; whilst she did greater penance, and underwent more pain to procure their pleasure, than they were then aware of: for the old gentleman not being satisfied in that revenge he had taken on his wife, for her making him a cuckold; resolved to punish her farther, and so rises out of his bed, and goes down to the side of the pond; and there calls her a thousand whores and strumpets; "Did not I," (says he) "take you in a manner without a smock to your arse, and desired no portion with you, on purpose that you might be a dutiful and kind wife, and maintained you as well as any lady in the land? And is this the requital that you make me, you impudent strumpet? Tell me, who was it that advised you to this wickedness?" The old bawd to whom all this was spoken (though he thought it had been to his wife) durst not reply one word; and resolved, whatever he said, she would not answer him; which so much enraged him, that he said, "What! Am I not worth an answer then? I'll make you an example to all whores that abuse their husbands;" and then pulling his knife out of pocket, he comes to her, and cuts off her nose, and flings it in her face; "Now, strumpet," says he, "take that for your whoring, and present it to your gallant:" and having said that, he left her, and went up to his bed, leaving the old bawd in a miserable condition. But it was not long after, that the lady having satiated herself with her gallant, & taken her leave of him, returned to the pond, to relieve the poor bawd, who told her what had happened since her departure: at which the lady was more disturbed than even the bawd herself; and was once thinking of running quite away from her bloody husband: but the bawd being a cunning old jade, documents her thus: "'tis true," says she, "it has fallen out very unhappily for me; but since that is now too late to help, I must make me amends: but nothing could have fallen out more happily for you, if you will follow my direction; which is, that as soon as I am gone, you complain in a loud voice of the cruelty of your husband in abusing and wronging his chaste and innocent wife, in so shameful a manner, as the cutting of your nose, & defacing your beauty: and then pray to all the blessed saints above that are protectors of chastity, that they would miraculously restore your nose and beauty again; and soon after, break out into thanksgivings for having your nose restored; and this will pass for a miracle, and so vindicate your innocency that you will never more be suspected. And I hope you will make me amends for what I have suffered for you." This the young lady faithfully promised; and so the bawd went home to provide for her own cure, leaving the lady fast tied as she was at first by her husband.

            The bawd was no sooner gone, and the coast clear, but the lady, fetching a great sigh, breaks forth into this doleful lamentation, "O unhappy woman! Unhappy above all women! Unhappy in having without cause lost the love of a husband in whom I had placed all my happiness! Unhappy in having my reputation taken away by him, and unhappy in being used more barbarously and ignominiously by him, than if I were a common whore! To have my nose thus cut off, and my beauty defaced, and all this without cause; what can be more barbarously cruel in him, or render me more miserable! But O ye heavenly powers, (added she in a higher tone, that her husband might hear her, which he also did) if such powers there be, that are the protectors of chastity, and vindicators of innocence, look down on me, whose innocence you know, and hear my prayers; if I have deviated from the strictest rules of virtue and of honour, and violated in the least the marriage bond that I have entered into; let all your direful vengeance fall upon me. But if I have kept my chastity inviolate, and never wronged my husband's bed so much as in a thought, let my disfigured face be healed again, and my lost beauty and dismembered nose, which has been taken from me so unjustly, be both restored again, as a convincing testimony of my innocency."

            Having ended her prayer, she stood silent for about half a quarter of an hour; and then, as though her nose had been miraculously reunited to her face again, she with a loud voice broke forth into these expressions: "O ye immortal powers that knew my spotless and immaculate (though suffering) chastity, and have so eminently now rewarded it, accept my hearty and my humble thanks: for by this miracle that you have wrought for me, my husband surely will believe my innocency; and I am glad I shall be able at the expense of so much blood, and so much pain and misery, to let him know how much he has wronged me, and how much I love him: yes, O ye powers above, that have so wonderfully cleared my innocency, I do appeal to you how much I love him, notwithstanding all his cruelty; for which, O ye immortal powers, I humbly invocate your gracious pardon, because he did it through an excess of rage, to one whom he imagined had been false." And then raising her voice much higher, she called out to her husband, saying. "Come down, my dearest love, and see and be convinced how much you've wronged your chaste and loyal wife."

            The old gentleman, that lay awake in his bed and had heard all this, knew not what to think of it: he was sure he had cut off her nose, and flung it at her face, but had not faith enough to think it was set on again; and therefore thought it was some trick to be released: however, since she called to him to see and be convinced, he was resolved to know the truth of it, and therefore rising up, and lighting of a candle, he came downstairs and went straight to his wife, and looking on her very earnestly, he sees her face was whole and sound; at which he was so much confounded and amazed, that he began to fear lest heaven, that had showed such a miracle in healing her, should pour its vengeance down upon his head, for his detested rashness and his barbarous cruelty; and therefore sets her loose immediately, and presently conveying her to bed, "O thou that art all goodness and all innocence," (said the transported cuckold) "canst thou forgive one that has wronged thee at that rate that I have done?" "Yes, my dear husband," (answered the cunning whore) "since heaven has heard my prayer and cleared my innocence, I forgive all the world, but thee especially." And thereupon her husband made a solemn protestation, that he would never more be jealous of his wife, let her do what she would.

            Thus you see how by the cunning contrivance of an old bawd, a young lady was made a whore, and an old dotard a young cuckold. And also how she can manage all events to the carrying on of her pernicious design; answering the character the wise man gives of her, her ways are moveable that thou canst not know 'em.<5>

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